I wish there was some kind of magic pill that would erase depression forever. Instead, there's pills that may or may not relieve depression. After a while, even the ones that previously worked don't work anymore, and once again you have to figure out what new pill to take and do experiments with the dosage and all that jazz. Every time I've tried to wean myself off pills, it's been a disaster. I simply cannot function without them (and sometimes not even with them).

I wish I could handle stress better. If I feel like there's too much on my plate, I can't coherently think to take it one thing at a time, I just panic and drop everything. It's been a really bad week for me and I've hardly gone to school. Every time I work I want to call in sick, but then I remember how utterly broke I am and I force myself to go. If I have more than one big assignment due in a day, I put them aside and head straight for the bath, armed with a book and a treat. I wish I knew of a better way. But I don't. I just blow at handling stress.

I know my mom hates that I take pills. It's been at least ten years since I started, and she's afraid of the long-term effects. I understand her concern. I used to be able to concentrate on anything and was a very still, quiet child. I'm still a quiet person, but I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, I forget things a lot, and I can't sit still long. I can't stop with the pills, though. Even weaning myself off pills causes me to have a complete meltdown.

Sometimes I'm so lost in my own little world that I wonder if I strike people as aloof and detached. I don't try to be, but I don't like to rely on anyone. Maybe that's my biggest problem. I don't trust people. When I fall apart, it's usually by myself because I'm scared that no one will care. I know Skyler cares, but I don't like burdening him with my truckload of issues.

I need some ice cream, a seriously fattening dinner, a bath, and a book...