Why I've been MIA lately...

Let me preface this post by saying that I am absolutely head over heels in love with my baby and I don't know what I'd do without her. She is my everything and I love her more than I know how to say.

Kamryn is not an easy baby, to put it mildly. She was extremely well behaved until she was about 6 weeks old, then everything went downhill. Frankly, things are still going downhill, 5 months later.

I don't know why she is so fussy. She is happy about 10% of the day, and the other 90% she is fussing. This is not an exaggeration. She only poops about once a week, which we are suspecting is part of the problem. Yes, we've been to a gastroenterologist and no, we still don't know what the real problem is (or if there is one).

The past month or so we have learned that it is absolutely hopeless to take her anywhere after 5:00 pm. She cries and cries and cries, without exception and no matter what we do. It's not worth even trying to go anywhere anymore, even during the day. If I go to the grocery store without Skyler, I can't pick up more than 5 items without a meltdown. Needless to say, I don't really go anywhere anymore.

Right now I am working on the theory that more regulated sleep will help and trying to consistently keep to a schedule. It's helping yet not helping. Six 20 minute naps a day are not restorative. Neither are nights when she wakes up 5 or 6 times.

I spend my entire day trying to keep Kamryn happy and everything else is put on the back burner. My house is a total disaster, totally undecorated, and totally depressing. I have almost no social life (not that I really had one before anyway).

I just want my baby to be happy. I know there is a happy kid in there somewhere, if I could only figure out how to make her come out.

Some people might react to this by never wanting to have another kid, but not me. It would be impossible to have a harder baby (barring a medical problem), so bring it on. It couldn't be any harder than it is now. Don't think I want another baby now. I don't. It's a really bad time. Later.

I do know that this too shall pass. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going. Someday she WILL be happy.

The other thing that keeps me going is that smile. When she is happy, she's really happy. She squeals, kicks, rolls on her side, laughs, chews on her hands, yells, spits, and generally goes into paroxysms of delight. It makes my heart light to see it. I know that when this is all over, that's who she really is.


So this is why I don't go to events anymore and why I don't write blog posts. Some days I handle it all pretty well, and some days I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I know that it will end, and in the meantime I am trying to enjoy the little things. She is my baby and despite all this, I wouldn't change her for the world.